Commisseration

The last thing Nils wanted to do was stay in his house and pout. He'd done the backing off thing after his 'conversation' with Connie, he'd gone back to his rooms and posted on the livejournal, petted Watson for a bit to bring the desire to destroy something down a bit.
But he was by nature a social creature, and he needed to talk to someone. Normally he would have gone to Connie or Aimee or Esperanza, but the former were no longer really friends in his mind, and the latter had been acting strangely enough lately that he hesitated to go knock on her door.
But Simon... he knew that Simon felt as strongly on the matter as he did himself. And honestly, these days if his suspicions were correct he was confiding in Simon as much these days as he ever did with the others. So, he went to knock on Simon's door. Between the two of them, maybe they could make sense of this mess.

The door unbolted with a click a moment after Nils knocked, and slid open. Simon was sitting on the floor in the middle of a pile of computer parts with Nam perched on his shoulder. She looked up at the visitor and cocked her head.

"Hey Nils."

He smiled at Simon. "Hey Simon, Nam. Do you mind if I come in? I think we should maybe talk."

"Yeah, of course." He rose carefully, flopping in to the large leather chair by the desk behind him, and gesturing vaguely in the direction of another nearby. "This is about Connie and Aimee, right?"

Nils nodded at Simon as he came in to sit down, only realizing after he had that Simon probably hadn't seen it. "Yeah. I went and talked to Connie. I can tell by the fact that you left that we're on the same page, here. They... They completely betrayed us."
He sighed. "I guess, as Connie so scathingly pointed out, I'm not exactly the best person to be talking about betrayals of trust. But that doesn't make what they did any less wrong."

"No." Simon leaned back in the chair, shifting a bit as though to get comfortable. Nam fluttered up to a perch above the door frame, tilting her head to look around the room, while Simon looked straight ahead, dark glasses covering his eyes and the scarred that ran through them.

"I hadn't even thought of it that way." he shook his hean.and expression of hurt and anger showing through. "I don't know what they were thinking - its like they think they know exactly what we would do.... and they were wrong. And they knew we would be mad, and decided that... I don't know. It was okay? We would have to forgive them, but it was worth the risk if we didn't? They were the only ones who understood self preservation? This was some kind of secret martyrdom to bear to make their plans turn out right? We weren't allowed to have plans? I *really* don't know. Just that there are a lot more things that they don't understand than they think or realize. Everything feels more...frayed now."

He scowled.

"And... I'm mad, because I should have seen it. I saw all the edges but.... I was distracted. And it wasn't something I could conceive of them doing. And now...it isn't something I want to have to watch for."

Nils nodded. "Yeah. The sad thing is, at the moment we may have to at least play nice. I'm not seeing another option that doesn't leave more people getting hurt because we're angry at someone who used to be a friend."

He sighed irritably. "But they seem to think that they knew better, and Connie at least got angry when I even suggested they should apologize. I don't know what's gotten into them, Simon. I wasn't exactly level headed, and I understand that it played a part, but I've never known Connie to be cruel. And she was. She wasn't just angry, she was cruel. This isn't... this isn't my friend anymore. She's a different person now. I don't know about Aimee, I spent most of my time with her, so that's a little harder to see. But if she could do this. If she could get behind this. Then she's not who she was, and who she is now is someone we can't trust anymore."

He bit his lip, he really didn't want to start crying again. "We both should have seen it. I was RIGHT THERE. I spent so long travelling with Aimee, seeing her change, refuse to talk about things. I should have been more persistent. I knew something was wrong, but I never would have guessed they'd do this to us. I trusted them. We all did. We had every reason to. Don't blame yourself for not seeing it, Simon. We'll just have to be careful. Maybe be more active in the planning stages, so we don't have to worry about what they've lied about this time? They always used to lead the show, in a way."

"I don't know what I'm going to do, yet Nils. I'm not the same person I was...before, either. I don't know if I want to be more involved or less. I know they don't know me as well as they think they do. Maybe its better that way.

I still don't know what they want now. Just this one plan? Something more? It really doesn't matter where I am in some ways. There's advantages to being here. Its nice to see people again, mostly. But I don't like feeling like I have to watch myself, and staying here already makes me feel that way. Jordan said I should get out more... see people again.... I'm sure this isn't what she meant. I thought about asking her to come, but I'm glad I didn't."

Simon sighed again, rubbing the bridge of his nose under his glasses.

"For what its worth though - Aimee at least apologized. Sort of."

Nils sighed. "I tend to agree with her, Simon. I know you've been doing the whole separation thing, but I also know that it's better for all of us if we stick together. Especially now. Those of us that are... well, not lying bastards, need to stick together if we want to get through this. Whether or not THEY have plans for us in the long term, I think the rest of us should take control and make plans for ourselves-and I'm pretty sure they should involve us sticking together."
He smiled wryly. "I'm also pretty sure you've been keeping a lot closer tabs on us than most of them think. Which, wouldn't it be nice to be around to hear about things firsthand instead of reading people's blogs?" He was perhaps taking a risk actually bringing it up, but he knew Simon. He kept commenting on Simon's blog with the LJ, Simon was presumably going to keep looking at his. And he knew that Simon would be able to get in if he wanted to.
Nils froze, his face going halfway towards a smile before closing off. "At this point, it's not worth much. Probably. I need to talk to her too, I just don't know that I can do it without losing my temper again."

"Its not just us, Nils. I wonder if any of these other groups Connie has 'coordinated' have any idea what they're part of here." He knew that some of his reasons for being so angry were selfish, and he didn't want to upset Nils any more with pointless venting. It did't matter, really,m that this was the kind of network of people that's he only dreamed of being able to put together, and it rankled that not only had Connie managed it, but that she'd done so so much more successfully, and somehow without him even noticing... He did know some of them, at least, but it just made him feel more wary. And he didn't know what to say, really, about the crack about Nil's blog. In person or online - the distinction had never really been that important to him, which was just one more thing the college Station crew had never really understood. He'd never felt that out of touch with everyone, other than Bea. And Chad, of course, but that was a whole other can of worms.

He just shook his head.

"I know I don't want to talk to Connie. I don't have the energy to do anything other than be mad, and its just... pointless. I don't even know if she would care. Watching her do this whole political things just feels so alien. I guess I know why now."

Nils smiled wryly. "Somehow I doubt they have any clue. If she didn't even see fit to tell us... but then, maybe we just don't mean shit to her anymore. That's what it feels like."
"I don't... It's probably pointless to try, but I wouldn't feel right without trying to understand. Trying to find the sense in it, trying to see what made them think this was okay. I tend to agree, Connie in politics, after everything she'd said about not wanting to be her mother, after everything that had gone down between them, it felt wrong." He slumped back in his chair. "I just need to know if OUR Connie and Aimee are in there somewhere, or if they're gone for good. I need to know if we're still worth fighting for."

"Oh, I can completely see what was going through their heads. They convinced themselves.... at least I hope no one else convinced them.... Of a false premise, and broke everything down based on the logic that came out of that. I still don't know everything that they though, but lets see... They thought that us sticking together would attract too much attention, and that if we separated, and seemed to be really separate, that we would be less of a threat. Oh, and also that staying in College Station wasn't doing anyone any good. So I suppose we were just hanging ut being a big tempting Titan target? And then they either didn't think that we would could be convinced that going our separate ways, and getting away from College Station, was a good idea, or that we could keep up any kind of believable pretense that we were all suitably dispersed. if we accept those.... giant fallacies as fact, I can see why they thought that failing a horrible break up and maintaining the lie while they put the world in the order they wanted it seemed like a good plan. They even knew how much a strain it would put on things later, so they apparently had backup plans if we decided not to help. Yeah. Aimee told me that."

Simon paused a minute, trying not to sound *too* bitter.

"Well, I guess there's this. They at least had the balls to tell us that it was all a stupid charade at this point. If they were just *completely* manipulative, it wouldn't have been any harder to hold back their reunion while they slowly warmed to each other or whatever. Because you know none of us believed they were on the outs for good anyway, or you'd have never tried to get us back together at all. Which, of course, is the biggest flaw in their genius little plan. Anyone who can read fate hardly at all could tell there was no real severance, no matter what they said, or how dispersed we were. *Now* though... Now things are a little less tight."

"I don't know though, Nils. We don't own them. People can change, and it isn't just up to use to decide into what. We just have to figure if they are still people we like."

"But that's just it!" He pointed out. "That's several HUGE fallacies. How they could convince themselves of all of that before letting us know-and apparently they'd come to this conclusion even before you..." He trailed off a touch awkwardly. "Even before the thing in the labyrinth. Because Connie said that they almost went for it right there. Which is perhaps the most insensitive douchbag timing they could have gone for, so thank goodness for small blessings, I guess."

He shook his head. "As much as it would have hurt, I could have understood if it was just me they didn't trust for some reason. But the absolute amount of bad logic that convinced them not to trust any of you is just horrifying."
He laughed, a bitter sound. "See, and I knew we were still coherent. I can't hardly help but see it. Which is why I was so adamant about bringing us together. Though they did their damndest to make sure they weren't in the same spot, so we couldn't see the full extent of HOW much we were still a group.

Now, though, I can't help but worry that all that they've done is destroy us so that we'll drift apart 'for real', and some of us, like Esperanza and the two of us, aren't necessarily in a position to defend ourselves from something really nasty if it decided to take the opportunity when we're apart and weak. Which could have happened at any point this last year, and somehow they thought it was SAFER?"

He made a face at Simon. "I know that. But we were a group, a family. I spent the past year fighting for US, trying to bring us back together, where we belong. Which now feels like a huge fucking joke. But if we still have that cohesion, if we can still come together, than I'll continue to fight for us, whether or not Aimee and Connie are still part of 'us'. Right now, we're undefined. I guess we'll have to wait and see how this fight they want us in on goes. Which, are you joining in?"

"I told them I would. Of course, the irony is that what they wants from me is something I could do from... well, literally anywhere. I'm less interested in seeing how this goes, as in what happens afterwards. Well.... in terms of their being an 'us'. The plan *seems* solid.... but who knows what kind of wrenches we could encounter."

Nils nodded. "Yeah. But with any luck the fight will bring us together? Times of stress and all of that. Because everything is still off. Not just Aimee and Connie. I was naive enough to think that just getting people physically together again would work, but it's more complicated than that. Because Bea left, and it's strange, and Esperanza... well, things are strange, and Mary and I have never been as close since New Orleans... And no one even knows where Chad is. Not that I'm sure I want to. But it would be nice to know if he was safe or not."

He sighed. "I don't even know what I expected, or what I think will actually change. I just wanted our family back again."

He was trying very hard not to think about how dangerous their plan really was. It was easier to focus on more abstract problems, that were actually things he could possibly do something about.

"Chad's doing okay... I've sort of been keeping track of him, a bit, when I can. but I guess we'll see how it goes, with everyone. I could try and get a message *to* him, if you want...?"

Nils shook his head. "No. What would I say? 'Sorry I was a complete asshat whilst dating you, hope you're alive?' It's probably best if I don't get in touch. But it's nice to know he's alive."