Home
<Joanna> (so I was figuring this would be while travelling after we leave porto bispo? like some evening while the others are asleep or off doing... whatever?)
<Joanna> (by the side of the old trashboat ;p)
<Kahonstionekha> okay, heh
* Joanna sits by the evening's fire and listens to noises in the woods.
* Kahonstionekha feeds the dogs some fishguts, which is better than letting them roll around in them
* Joanna smiles a little at you and the dogs
<Joanna> they're settling in well
<Kahonstionekha> They
<Kahonstionekha> are good animals. I like them.
<Joanna> and it's good to have the extra guards at night too. they'll keep watch for us.
* Kahonstionekha chuckles at that
<Kahonstionekha> they need to sleep too
<Joanna> well yes. but they perk up at the slightest odd sound.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> I'm glad that Renata agreed for you to take them.
<Kahonstionekha> she seemed relieved.
<Joanna> yes... no doubt they bring back a lot of memories for her.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> They're cared for.... and they're not eating from her table
<Joanna> that's true
<Joanna> they will have to learn not to do that when we return home... ;)
<Kahonstionekha> they will listen
* Joanna nods
* Kahonstionekha says, patting Rainha, who is watching you as though she knows you are talking about her
<Joanna> I'm sure they will listen to you... to me is another matter, maybe.
<Kahonstionekha> if you work with them, they'll listen
<Kahonstionekha> (listen)
<Joanna> well, I'll try.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> Soldado is the stubborn one
<Joanna> well he is the male ;)
* Joanna says, gently teasing
<Kahonstionekha> Rainha is wiser....
* Kahonstionekha grins
<Kahonstionekha> A soldado should follow orders
<Joanna> yes, he should... but sometimes, his instincts get the better of him, hm?
* Joanna sighs slightly
<Kahonstionekha> hmm.
* Kahonstionekha raises a brow at the sigh
* Joanna gives you a look you're familiar with, having probably seen it plenty of times when Joanna is puzzling over something complicated.
* Kahonstionekha waits to see what you say
<Joanna> I'm not sure what's best to do about Major Harden >.>
<Kahonstionekha> about him?
<Joanna> mm.
<Joanna> with him?
* Joanna amends slightly
<Kahonstionekha> that I thought you knew.
* Kahonstionekha teases
* Joanna rolls her eyes but smiles a little.
<Joanna> he's pleasant company in that regard.
<Kahonstionekha> and otherwise?
<Joanna> I think he would like to be more than that.
<Kahonstionekha> to marry you?
* Joanna takes a stick to poke a log further into the fire
<Kahonstionekha> (brb sec)
<Joanna> he hasn't said that... but at least, to continue our liaison, and see where things go from there, I suppose?
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> you don't know what you want?
<Joanna> I don't know if it is fair to him.
<Joanna> for... many reasons.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> what have you told him?
<Joanna> a little... not everything. enough to try and warn him off, I suppose.
<Joanna> but he is stubborn
* Joanna says with a slight smile at Soldado
* Kahonstionekha considers for a while, then shakes his head
<Kahonstionekha> he will never understand, unless it is something he faces himself
<Joanna> no... and I don't know if I want to put him in that position. but on the other hand, there is so much out there... he may wind up facing it himself with or without me.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> yes
<Kahonstionekha> he might
<Joanna> I don't know if that is better or worse :(
<Kahonstionekha> that's beyond your control.
<Joanna> is it foolish to think that it would be worth it to be happy for a little while? even if it had to end sooner or later? or better not even to have that moment, because it's worse when it's taken away?
<Kahonstionekha> It will all come to an end, one way or another. The question is whether you can be happy at all.
<Kahonstionekha> (#rayofsunshine)
<Joanna> I know...
<Joanna> maybe I could. I don't know.
<Joanna> I liked the time I spent with him this past few days.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> he might not be a good match as far as marriage is concerned, but it isn't as though I have a lot of hopes for that anyway. He doesn't have wealth or land but I don't need that anyway, I have enough.
<Kahonstionekha> it sounds like you want the same things he does
* Joanna nods
<Joanna> maybe for now.
<Joanna> I suppose if what either of us wants changes, we can discuss that then
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> ...what do you think about it?
<Kahonstionekha> of what?
<Joanna> if I was to continue seeing him
<Kahonstionekha> That's your business, Joanna
<Kahonstionekha> I'm only your brother.
<Joanna> I'm not asking your permission.
* Joanna clarifies.
<Joanna> I just ... would like to know if it might cause problems for you.
* Kahonstionekha gives you a puzzled look
<Joanna> for instance, if you would feel less comfortable staying at my house if he was there.
* Joanna suggests
* Kahonstionekha considers
<Kahonstionekha> I don't dislike him. And you are my sister. If you have a ...liaison, should I be unwelcome in your home?
<Joanna> no... at least, I don't want it to be like that.
* Kahonstionekha asks as though he isn't sure if this is some human thing
<Joanna> I know if it were with our mother's people, we would share a longhouse anyway. it wouldn't be so different from that?
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> Yes.
* Kahonstionekha looks pensive though
<Kahonstionekha> At home, if you were to take a husband.... it would be his responsibility to hunt for you, to do what labour you need...
* Kahonstionekha waves a hand because you know all that
* Joanna nods
<Kahonstionekha> Do you worry that if I were not doing those things for you, I would feel, hmm... adrift?
* Kahonstionekha tries to find the right word
<Joanna> I worry about causing you to feel left out... or like you don't have a place with me anymore. I wouldn't want you to feel like that.
<Joanna> You're my brother - you're always welcome in my home. and if it bothers him, or anyone else, they can learn to accept it, or they will cease being welcome in my home.
* Kahonstionekha smiles at that
<Kahonstionekha> now, why do you think I would worry about that>
<Kahonstionekha> ?
* Kahonstionekha says, slightly teasing again
<Joanna> Anyway I don't know if he is a good hunter - I might still need you to help provide ;)
* Kahonstionekha chuckles
<Kahonstionekha> maybe
<Joanna> And you know white people can get odd ideas ;p I will just have to make sure he understands your place in my life.
* Kahonstionekha nods
* Joanna sighs again
<Kahonstionekha> Joanna - when I marries Kawisenhawe, what did you hope would happen?
<Joanna> I hoped that you would be content, and she would be content, and you would find comfort with each other.
<Kahonstionekha> Is it because it did not work out that way that you don't believe you can find the same for yourself?
<Joanna> that... and because of Mother and Father >.>
<Kahonstionekha> Do you mean because of who they were, or because of what happened?
<Joanna> both I suppose... more the former. The latter... well. As you said, everything ends someday. Is it worse if it ends like that, or because of an accident or disease or something that could strike anyone at any time? worrying about that is less useful.
* Kahonstionekha 's brow furrows sightly, thinking of Loyal
<Joanna> but they came from very different backgrounds, and even though they cared for one another, it was still difficult for them. difficult because of how other people viewed them, on both sides, and because of how they did not always understand one another either.
* Joanna says even though she was probably too young to fully understand all this at the time, she's obviously thought about it a lot since then.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> but the chances of finding someone who shares my background is... well, not quite impossible, but not very likely.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> he learned how to pronounce my name, of his own accord. I suppose that's a good start.
<Kahonstionekha> he is not like others of his people, in some ways - not like they think men should be
* Joanna nods
<Joanna> yes... that's true.
<Kahonstionekha> he is a good war chief
* Joanna smiles a little at that
<Joanna> he's a bit more like men from the Sategat in some ways, I suppose. he speaks his mind more freely, and I like that.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> yes
<Joanna> he's used to leading, and being listened to when he gives orders. I think that affects how he deals with people - more like a woman would.
<Kahonstionekha> (brb)
<Kahonstionekha> (back)
<Kahonstionekha> He respects you
<Joanna> yes...
<Joanna> he thinks he can solve problems with his weapons too much, but I suppose that's what a war chief does ;p
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> I'm afraid the Senecomacans will think less of him if he is known to be my lover.
* Kahonstionekha shrugs
<Kahonstionekha> That is his decision, Joanna. He is the one pursuing you.
<Joanna> you know how they are... they'll say he can't control himself, or that he is being immodest.
<Joanna> but I suppose he knows that.
<Kahonstionekha> do you think you are taking advantage of his lack of control?
* Kahonstionekha asks dryly
<Joanna> >.>
<Kahonstionekha> or do you believe that he knows his own heart and mind?
<Joanna> I find it one of his more appealing features.
<Kahonstionekha> but he does have others?
<Joanna> yes
<Joanna> it's not only physical
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> and yes, I think he does know his own self, his own wishes and desires. even if he may not fully know what he's getting in to, he knows enough that he could have said in all fairness if he was no longer interested, and he didn't.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> I know you can't just lay aside your worries, Joanna
<Kahonstionekha> but you should let yourself try.
<Joanna> all right
<Joanna> I can give him a chance. Give *this* a chance.
<Joanna> if it ends badly, at least I can say that I tried. I don't want to leave myself shut off to any possibility of happiness :/
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> .. Grandmother probably won't approve, but I can deal with her.
<Joanna> if it even gets to the point where she would have to know about it.
<Kahonstionekha> I'm sure she can find some clan to adopt him
* Joanna chuckles
* Kahonstionekha says with a little smile
<Kahonstionekha> give him a better name
<Kahonstionekha> it would be a good alliance, then
* Kahonstionekha points out, more seriously
* Joanna nods
<Joanna> Mother and Father were happy, for the most part, weren't they? Even though it was difficult? They were together for most of fifteen years, that isn't insignificant.
<Kahonstionekha> If he would do it
* Kahonstionekha considers your question, laying aside his own musings
<Kahonstionekha> That is....difficult for me to judge, Joanna. They were committed.
* Joanna nods
<Joanna> I know it wasn't just because of their feelings for each other.. I mean, I see that now.
* Kahonstionekha probably caused a lot of strain in that relationship
<Joanna> but the feelings were there, too, surely... Mother could have picked someone different for her plans if she wanted.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> She was Sategat. If he were not what she wanted, she would have left.
* Joanna nods
<Joanna> I can remember them holding each other, and laughing, and ... more than that. they had affection with each other.
<Joanna> but I know that it was different for you... for me, they were just my parents, so of course I wanted to see them as happy.
<Kahonstionekha> Mmm.
<Kahonstionekha> (I forget hat the age difference between us is)
<Joanna> (Joanna is 29 now... how old is Kahon?)
<Kahonstionekha> (46. I aged him up a little from what Josh had originally)
<Kahonstionekha> (but yeah, he was probably 15-16 when your parents got together)
<Joanna> (*nod*)
<Kahonstionekha> (I am sure he threatened to kill your father several times ;)
<Joanna> (heh, yeah... Joanna wouldn't remember that part I'm sure ;)
<Kahonstionekha> (Anyway, I stand by my non-commital "Mmm." ;)
<Joanna> (that's fair)
<Joanna> (I forget what we said happened to Kahon's father. did he die, or did they separate?)
<Kahonstionekha> (He died fighting the Marianas)
<Joanna> (*nod*)
<Kahonstionekha> (but that was later)
<Kahonstionekha> (you mom ditched him first)
<Joanna> (*nod*)
<Joanna> well...
<Joanna> it's late, I probably should try to sleep.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> Goodnight, sister.
<Joanna> .. thank you for your advice, brother.
<Kahonstionekha> I hope it serves you well
<Joanna> I hope so too. and you know.. if you find yourself in a position to have a similar opportunity, I hope you would consider it too.
* Kahonstionekha sighs resignedly, but smiles
<Kahonstionekha> I will try.
<Joanna> all right
<Joanna> I hope you have a peaceful rest :)
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> You as well.
* Joanna makes her way to bed, then.
<Joanna> (by the side of the old trashboat ;p)
<Kahonstionekha> okay, heh
* Joanna sits by the evening's fire and listens to noises in the woods.
* Kahonstionekha feeds the dogs some fishguts, which is better than letting them roll around in them
* Joanna smiles a little at you and the dogs
<Joanna> they're settling in well
<Kahonstionekha> They
<Kahonstionekha> are good animals. I like them.
<Joanna> and it's good to have the extra guards at night too. they'll keep watch for us.
* Kahonstionekha chuckles at that
<Kahonstionekha> they need to sleep too
<Joanna> well yes. but they perk up at the slightest odd sound.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> I'm glad that Renata agreed for you to take them.
<Kahonstionekha> she seemed relieved.
<Joanna> yes... no doubt they bring back a lot of memories for her.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> They're cared for.... and they're not eating from her table
<Joanna> that's true
<Joanna> they will have to learn not to do that when we return home... ;)
<Kahonstionekha> they will listen
* Joanna nods
* Kahonstionekha says, patting Rainha, who is watching you as though she knows you are talking about her
<Joanna> I'm sure they will listen to you... to me is another matter, maybe.
<Kahonstionekha> if you work with them, they'll listen
<Kahonstionekha> (listen)
<Joanna> well, I'll try.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> Soldado is the stubborn one
<Joanna> well he is the male ;)
* Joanna says, gently teasing
<Kahonstionekha> Rainha is wiser....
* Kahonstionekha grins
<Kahonstionekha> A soldado should follow orders
<Joanna> yes, he should... but sometimes, his instincts get the better of him, hm?
* Joanna sighs slightly
<Kahonstionekha> hmm.
* Kahonstionekha raises a brow at the sigh
* Joanna gives you a look you're familiar with, having probably seen it plenty of times when Joanna is puzzling over something complicated.
* Kahonstionekha waits to see what you say
<Joanna> I'm not sure what's best to do about Major Harden >.>
<Kahonstionekha> about him?
<Joanna> mm.
<Joanna> with him?
* Joanna amends slightly
<Kahonstionekha> that I thought you knew.
* Kahonstionekha teases
* Joanna rolls her eyes but smiles a little.
<Joanna> he's pleasant company in that regard.
<Kahonstionekha> and otherwise?
<Joanna> I think he would like to be more than that.
<Kahonstionekha> to marry you?
* Joanna takes a stick to poke a log further into the fire
<Kahonstionekha> (brb sec)
<Joanna> he hasn't said that... but at least, to continue our liaison, and see where things go from there, I suppose?
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> you don't know what you want?
<Joanna> I don't know if it is fair to him.
<Joanna> for... many reasons.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> what have you told him?
<Joanna> a little... not everything. enough to try and warn him off, I suppose.
<Joanna> but he is stubborn
* Joanna says with a slight smile at Soldado
* Kahonstionekha considers for a while, then shakes his head
<Kahonstionekha> he will never understand, unless it is something he faces himself
<Joanna> no... and I don't know if I want to put him in that position. but on the other hand, there is so much out there... he may wind up facing it himself with or without me.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> yes
<Kahonstionekha> he might
<Joanna> I don't know if that is better or worse :(
<Kahonstionekha> that's beyond your control.
<Joanna> is it foolish to think that it would be worth it to be happy for a little while? even if it had to end sooner or later? or better not even to have that moment, because it's worse when it's taken away?
<Kahonstionekha> It will all come to an end, one way or another. The question is whether you can be happy at all.
<Kahonstionekha> (#rayofsunshine)
<Joanna> I know...
<Joanna> maybe I could. I don't know.
<Joanna> I liked the time I spent with him this past few days.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> he might not be a good match as far as marriage is concerned, but it isn't as though I have a lot of hopes for that anyway. He doesn't have wealth or land but I don't need that anyway, I have enough.
<Kahonstionekha> it sounds like you want the same things he does
* Joanna nods
<Joanna> maybe for now.
<Joanna> I suppose if what either of us wants changes, we can discuss that then
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> ...what do you think about it?
<Kahonstionekha> of what?
<Joanna> if I was to continue seeing him
<Kahonstionekha> That's your business, Joanna
<Kahonstionekha> I'm only your brother.
<Joanna> I'm not asking your permission.
* Joanna clarifies.
<Joanna> I just ... would like to know if it might cause problems for you.
* Kahonstionekha gives you a puzzled look
<Joanna> for instance, if you would feel less comfortable staying at my house if he was there.
* Joanna suggests
* Kahonstionekha considers
<Kahonstionekha> I don't dislike him. And you are my sister. If you have a ...liaison, should I be unwelcome in your home?
<Joanna> no... at least, I don't want it to be like that.
* Kahonstionekha asks as though he isn't sure if this is some human thing
<Joanna> I know if it were with our mother's people, we would share a longhouse anyway. it wouldn't be so different from that?
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> Yes.
* Kahonstionekha looks pensive though
<Kahonstionekha> At home, if you were to take a husband.... it would be his responsibility to hunt for you, to do what labour you need...
* Kahonstionekha waves a hand because you know all that
* Joanna nods
<Kahonstionekha> Do you worry that if I were not doing those things for you, I would feel, hmm... adrift?
* Kahonstionekha tries to find the right word
<Joanna> I worry about causing you to feel left out... or like you don't have a place with me anymore. I wouldn't want you to feel like that.
<Joanna> You're my brother - you're always welcome in my home. and if it bothers him, or anyone else, they can learn to accept it, or they will cease being welcome in my home.
* Kahonstionekha smiles at that
<Kahonstionekha> now, why do you think I would worry about that>
<Kahonstionekha> ?
* Kahonstionekha says, slightly teasing again
<Joanna> Anyway I don't know if he is a good hunter - I might still need you to help provide ;)
* Kahonstionekha chuckles
<Kahonstionekha> maybe
<Joanna> And you know white people can get odd ideas ;p I will just have to make sure he understands your place in my life.
* Kahonstionekha nods
* Joanna sighs again
<Kahonstionekha> Joanna - when I marries Kawisenhawe, what did you hope would happen?
<Joanna> I hoped that you would be content, and she would be content, and you would find comfort with each other.
<Kahonstionekha> Is it because it did not work out that way that you don't believe you can find the same for yourself?
<Joanna> that... and because of Mother and Father >.>
<Kahonstionekha> Do you mean because of who they were, or because of what happened?
<Joanna> both I suppose... more the former. The latter... well. As you said, everything ends someday. Is it worse if it ends like that, or because of an accident or disease or something that could strike anyone at any time? worrying about that is less useful.
* Kahonstionekha 's brow furrows sightly, thinking of Loyal
<Joanna> but they came from very different backgrounds, and even though they cared for one another, it was still difficult for them. difficult because of how other people viewed them, on both sides, and because of how they did not always understand one another either.
* Joanna says even though she was probably too young to fully understand all this at the time, she's obviously thought about it a lot since then.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> but the chances of finding someone who shares my background is... well, not quite impossible, but not very likely.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> he learned how to pronounce my name, of his own accord. I suppose that's a good start.
<Kahonstionekha> he is not like others of his people, in some ways - not like they think men should be
* Joanna nods
<Joanna> yes... that's true.
<Kahonstionekha> he is a good war chief
* Joanna smiles a little at that
<Joanna> he's a bit more like men from the Sategat in some ways, I suppose. he speaks his mind more freely, and I like that.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> yes
<Joanna> he's used to leading, and being listened to when he gives orders. I think that affects how he deals with people - more like a woman would.
<Kahonstionekha> (brb)
<Kahonstionekha> (back)
<Kahonstionekha> He respects you
<Joanna> yes...
<Joanna> he thinks he can solve problems with his weapons too much, but I suppose that's what a war chief does ;p
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> I'm afraid the Senecomacans will think less of him if he is known to be my lover.
* Kahonstionekha shrugs
<Kahonstionekha> That is his decision, Joanna. He is the one pursuing you.
<Joanna> you know how they are... they'll say he can't control himself, or that he is being immodest.
<Joanna> but I suppose he knows that.
<Kahonstionekha> do you think you are taking advantage of his lack of control?
* Kahonstionekha asks dryly
<Joanna> >.>
<Kahonstionekha> or do you believe that he knows his own heart and mind?
<Joanna> I find it one of his more appealing features.
<Kahonstionekha> but he does have others?
<Joanna> yes
<Joanna> it's not only physical
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> and yes, I think he does know his own self, his own wishes and desires. even if he may not fully know what he's getting in to, he knows enough that he could have said in all fairness if he was no longer interested, and he didn't.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> I know you can't just lay aside your worries, Joanna
<Kahonstionekha> but you should let yourself try.
<Joanna> all right
<Joanna> I can give him a chance. Give *this* a chance.
<Joanna> if it ends badly, at least I can say that I tried. I don't want to leave myself shut off to any possibility of happiness :/
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Joanna> .. Grandmother probably won't approve, but I can deal with her.
<Joanna> if it even gets to the point where she would have to know about it.
<Kahonstionekha> I'm sure she can find some clan to adopt him
* Joanna chuckles
* Kahonstionekha says with a little smile
<Kahonstionekha> give him a better name
<Kahonstionekha> it would be a good alliance, then
* Kahonstionekha points out, more seriously
* Joanna nods
<Joanna> Mother and Father were happy, for the most part, weren't they? Even though it was difficult? They were together for most of fifteen years, that isn't insignificant.
<Kahonstionekha> If he would do it
* Kahonstionekha considers your question, laying aside his own musings
<Kahonstionekha> That is....difficult for me to judge, Joanna. They were committed.
* Joanna nods
<Joanna> I know it wasn't just because of their feelings for each other.. I mean, I see that now.
* Kahonstionekha probably caused a lot of strain in that relationship
<Joanna> but the feelings were there, too, surely... Mother could have picked someone different for her plans if she wanted.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> She was Sategat. If he were not what she wanted, she would have left.
* Joanna nods
<Joanna> I can remember them holding each other, and laughing, and ... more than that. they had affection with each other.
<Joanna> but I know that it was different for you... for me, they were just my parents, so of course I wanted to see them as happy.
<Kahonstionekha> Mmm.
<Kahonstionekha> (I forget hat the age difference between us is)
<Joanna> (Joanna is 29 now... how old is Kahon?)
<Kahonstionekha> (46. I aged him up a little from what Josh had originally)
<Kahonstionekha> (but yeah, he was probably 15-16 when your parents got together)
<Joanna> (*nod*)
<Kahonstionekha> (I am sure he threatened to kill your father several times ;)
<Joanna> (heh, yeah... Joanna wouldn't remember that part I'm sure ;)
<Kahonstionekha> (Anyway, I stand by my non-commital "Mmm." ;)
<Joanna> (that's fair)
<Joanna> (I forget what we said happened to Kahon's father. did he die, or did they separate?)
<Kahonstionekha> (He died fighting the Marianas)
<Joanna> (*nod*)
<Kahonstionekha> (but that was later)
<Kahonstionekha> (you mom ditched him first)
<Joanna> (*nod*)
<Joanna> well...
<Joanna> it's late, I probably should try to sleep.
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> Goodnight, sister.
<Joanna> .. thank you for your advice, brother.
<Kahonstionekha> I hope it serves you well
<Joanna> I hope so too. and you know.. if you find yourself in a position to have a similar opportunity, I hope you would consider it too.
* Kahonstionekha sighs resignedly, but smiles
<Kahonstionekha> I will try.
<Joanna> all right
<Joanna> I hope you have a peaceful rest :)
* Kahonstionekha nods
<Kahonstionekha> You as well.
* Joanna makes her way to bed, then.
