Wonderful and Impossible

Ronnie nodded pensively. She looked down at her still untouched tea.

"Any man?" she asked quietly after a moment.

He opened his mouth to agree, looked at her expression, closed it and took a sip of tea to buy himself time. He was concerned he knew where this was going, and he was unsure what to do about it. It wasn't like he didn't love Esperanza, but (as far as he knew) she had entirely the wrong parts for his romantic life.
He smiled at her absently, breathing in the calming scent of the tea as he considered his response. Would it be so bad, really? They were both lonely. He'd made it his work to match up lonely people and give them hope. Could he do any less for his best friend?
Would he be able to, for his best friend? That was the unfortunate question. For the first time in years he found himself fervently wishing he were straight.
"Or woman, I suppose, if you decided you wanted to try that." he replied, hoping he could distract the both of them from whatever strange emotion had hit the room and made him honestly consider the pros and cons of whatever Esperanza was suggesting. "Yes. Anyone would be lucky to have you."

Ronnie stirred her tea thoughtlessly staring into it.

"I'm sorry." she said after a moment.

"I'm just..." she started but her voice trailed off.

Nils was fairly certain that he was going completely mad, because seeing Esperanza sitting dejectedly there wanting to ask but refusing to out of respect for him brought out an instinct to hold and love that he normally associated with men. "No, it's alright." he replied, trying to get his thoughts in some semblance of order. What he was considering was absurd. Absolutely absurd. And not fair to either of them. But still strangely appealing.
"You're lonely. We both are. I understand." He smiled at her, deciding that he had definitely gone crazy, and scooted over to give her a one armed hug. "But for tonight, we have the company of each other. Lets just enjoy, alright?" He kissed her forehead and only then realized the implications of what he'd said. He was definitely off of his game tonight.

Ronnie leaned into the hug and closed her eyes. She wasn't sure what she was doing. For months now she had avoided thinking about certain things. About Indigo and Nils and her previous life. Now everything was bubbling to the surface all at once and she didn't know why.

She reached up one hand and placed it lightly on Nils' cheek turning him to face her then haltingly, hesitantly she leaned in and kissed him.

Nils had just a moment to be confused as to what Esperanza was doing turning him towards her before she was kissing him. It was perhaps not as unexpected as it ought to have been, considering their conversation, but still a surprise. He found the choice he'd been trying very hard not to make not just staring him in the face but kissing him rather enthusiastically.

It was bad. Very very bad, and he should stop doing it right now because he wasn't attracted to her and it would be leading her on but somehow he found himself kissing her back anyway because damn it he needed this too. He'd been rather enthusiastic about bringing other people together but he hadn't really done much for himself, at least partially because he was a bit more familiar than most with how even small things like that can bind people together and he just wasn't prepared to deal with that.

But he and Esperanza were already tied pretty tightly together, he knew that without looking, and if he wasn't attracted to her he could at least truthfully say he loved her, and yes upon reflection it bordered on romantic, even if he never would have treated it as such due to their sexual incompatibility.

It was just so tempting to try to forget all of that for the night. She was here and willing and loving, and as guilty as it made him feel to think it, he was leaving in the morning and they'd have time to get over the awkward if they needed it.

He ought to pull away, so they could talk about this, but she was surprisingly good at kissing, and even if she was a little softer than he was used to he was quite enjoying the feel of her pressed against him. With a little imagination he thought he could pull this off. If he wanted to.

Did he want to? He pulled away, gently, but didn't let go of her. If he pulled away now, it would get blown off as a mistake, out of loneliness or residual feeling or something and they'd pass the night the same way they always had. If he let this happen, if he encouraged it, they'd have a night together. They'd both be comforted by their closeness. They were close enough that he was certain they'd survive the resultant strangeness and come out closer than ever, even if things never went anywhere else (which he had no reason to think they would). She would have an encounter to look back on to make her smile.

In other words, Nils decided, the pros far outweighed the cons. He'd see where this went. "Fuck it, why not?" He murmured, pulling her back in for another kiss. Not exactly his most charming line, but he'd make sure to make up for it with physical prowess.

~Fade to black~