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Andrea had slapped him, because the first word out of his mouth had been 'How?' Nathan had deserved it, because they both knew how, maybe not exactly, or which time, though he could guess. They'd thought they'd been careful enough, that it was the sort of thing that only happened to other people. It had hurt more than he'd expected, but her eyes were the ones that had filled with tears.
"That's not what you were supposed to say," she'd cried, and then she'd gone, and he hadn't seen her since.
His face was still swollen and puffy the next day. It was fair, he supposed – now she was slapping for two. He wanted to find her – he'd tried calling her at home the night before, but her parents wouldn't let him speak to her. That wasn't unusual, but given the circumstances it was worrying. He'd wound up calling his older brother at college out of desperation, but Graham had just said that he needed to talk to mom and dad. But he couldn’t do that, not when he hadn't talked to Andrea yet, not really. And Andrea wasn’t at school.
Nathan made it through first period, more or less, too distracted to pay any attention to the lesson, but he doubted anyone could tell the difference. He hadn't slept much, and he felt shaky and anxious, playing out different scenarios in his head. Would she ever speak to him again? Did she want to keep the baby, or even have it? If her parents knew, would it even matter what she wanted? And what did he want? He wanted to be with Andrea, with his little lost angel, no matter what.
Mrs. Keilor, who taught physics second period, was a little more astute. “Are you with us today, Nathan?”
“Sorry.” Everyone else had taken out their workbooks, and turned to show their homework, which of course he hadn’t done. “I’m not feeling very well.”
She strolled up the aisle, peering at him, and frowned. “You do look a little pale - even for you.”
“Can I go see the nurse?” Maybe if he got sent home, he could go see if she was at home. If her parents weren’t there... He tried to look more worn down than hopeful - it helped that it was out of character for him to ask at all.
“Well... alright. But I want to see a signed note for missing class.”
He mumbled his thanks, grabbing his things and making a quick exit, barely even registering the murmurings of his classmates as Mrs. Keilor tried to bring the room back under control.
Nathan had never actually been to the nurse’s office before, even though he was a senior. He was usually pretty healthy, and any of the kids he’d ever gotten in fights with had been smart enough not to start anything on school grounds - now he wasn’t sure what to expect. There wasn’t anyone in the outer office when he came in, and he stood there for a moment, debating whether or not he should just take off. Detention, or even suspension, seemed entirely inconsequential at this juncture. Before he’d committed to that path, however, a fairly young woman with braided brown hair poked her head in through the other door.
“I thought I heard someone come in.” She smiled. “What’s your name dear?”
“Nathan Court. I don’t feel well, I have a headache and I feel shaky and like I’m going to puke.” It wasn’t even a lie - he just hoped they weren’t going to just try and give him something for it and send him back to class. The thought of being stuck here all day made him feel even worse. “I just want to go home.”
The nurse (he presumed) was looking him over very carefully, and nodded. “What happened to your face, Nathan?”
He put his hand to his cheek. It felt warm, and it was still sore, but that really had nothing to do with how awful it made him feel. “Nothing. Just being stupid.”
She frowned at that, but he wasn’t about to elaborate. Instead she had him take off his coat, and proceeded to poke and prodded him a bit, interspersing this with questions. One of these was “when was the last time you ate?”
He had to think about it for a beat. “Yesterday, at lunch.” He hadn’t had much then, either, just a coke and some crappy fried from the cafeteria.
“Well, that can’t be helping.” She rummaged around in one of the cabinets and offered him a fruit bar. “This will make you feel a little better. But Nathan, I want you to know that anything you tell me in here is strictly confidential. It won’t leave this office.” She waited a beat, and continued when he didn’t respond. “Is everything alright at home?”
“Home is fine.” Everything was not alright, but if he wasn’t going to talk to his parents yet, he was definitely not going to talk to this stranger. “I really just want to go home. Please?”
She gave him a long considering look before turning to her computer. “I can call your parents, but you should really eat something.”
Nathan stared at the bar she’d given him. He knew she was probably right, but he wasn’t at all hungry, and fiddled with the package instead. “Has Andrea Helman been in to see you?”
The nurse looked up, fingers poised to dial. “I can’t give out information about other students health visits.” But there was something in the way she looked at him that gave him all the answer he needed. There were pamphlets behind her on the wall from planned parenthood, but he was too afraid to take one.
Half an hour later, Nathan was sitting in the office, waiting for his dad. He’d tried to convince both the nurse and the vice-principle that he was okay to drive home, and should be allowed to, but they weren’t willing to let him out of sight long enough to slip away. It would have been better to tough out second period and then just slip off, he figured, but it was too late now. By the time his dad did show up it was almost eleven, and then he had to get signed out, and Nathan just wanted to scream. He’s spent the time thinking about Andrea, worrying about her, what she’d be feeling, going through, what she’d think, if she would forgive him. His imagination provided him a smorgasbord of terrifying possibilities for the future.
His father didn’t say much to him at school, just looked him over critically, and asked if he wanted to go to the doctor, or if he needed anything from the drugstore. Nathan did not. His father grudgingly allowed Nathan to drive his own car home, but followed behind to make sure that was his destination – no chance to escape then either. Once they were home, he called Nathan into the kitchen and made him sit and eat a sandwich he put together from the night before’s leftovers.
“The nurse said you haven’t been eating. Just have half of it, at least, but I want you to have something.” He used his quiet, calm tone that meant he was to be frustratingly reasonable, and that no amount of arguing or protest would help.
Nathan was sure he didn’t want food, and the first bite was so much tasteless paste. Once it hit his stomach it became a different matter, and he found he did feel a little better once he’d finished. His dad smiled, though he hadn’t looked away, even while finishing his own lunch. He hadn’t taken off his coat either, which seemed like a good sign that he was planning to go back to work shortly. But maybe just not yet. He leaned forward, his expression turning serious.
“Nathan – is everything okay? You’re not in any kind of trouble are you?”
He didn’t answer. He wasn’t ready.
“Your mother and I are here for you Nathan, whatever it is. We love you, and we’ll help you, if you’ll talk to us.”
“I just want to go lie down, dad.” Part of him did – just wanted to lie down and let the world swallow him up. But mostly he wanted to see Andrea, to tell her that it would be okay, whatever happened. The sooner he could get away, the sooner he could…. Well, maybe he couldn’t make things right now. But he would try.
His father sighed, holding out his hand. “Alright son. But I want you to give me your keys, and your wallet. If you’re not well, you need to stay home and rest.”
Screaming wouldn’t help. Instead he slammed the items down on the table and stormed upstairs. Love him? Maybe. Trust him? Apparently not.
He waited until he heard his father’s car pull out of the driveway, and then a few more minutes for good measure before grabbing his coat, slipping on his good boots, and hitting the road. He would hitchhike if he had to, but Andrea only lived a few miles away…
It was almost 12 when he left home, and it was close to 2:30 when he made it to her house. There was a car in the driveway – her mother’s, he thought. Maybe it was better he hadn’t driven, though by now he was tired and shaky again, wishing he’d had more than just the sandwich. Soon, though, he was sure, it wouldn’t matter. At last, it wouldn’t, if Andrea would still have him. If she wouldn’t, he didn’t know what he would do.
If her mother was home, he couldn’t come to the door – she’d just turn him away. Andrea lived in the basement, though, and there were some small windows, including one that looked down into her bedroom. She’s snuck him in that way before, though it had been a tight squeeze, and it hadn’t been the middle of the day. But he couldn’t give up when was so close. Checking to make sure there were no neighbors around paying attention and that her mother wasn’t hovering by any of the bigger first floor windows, Nathan crept around to the side of the house and lay down flat on the lawn so he could see it. It was the middle of the afternoon and he felt painfully conspicuous.
Andrea was in her room, lying face-down in her bed with all the covers kicked off, wearing just a t-shirt (one of his - that was a good sign, he hoped) and her underwear. Nathan felt vaguely guilty for his mix of feelings just then, but it was really just a drop in the bucket compared to the confused mixture he’d been struggling with since yesterday. Quiet music - the Cocteau Twins’ Heaven or Las Vegas - streamed through the glass.
He tapped gently at first, not sure if she was awake, and still terrified of being caught. If some neighbour called the cops on him, he’d never get to see her again for sure. Andrea didn’t move, and he tapped a little louder, begging her silently to at least look up. She twitched at least, burying her face in her pillow. Nathan’s heart sank a little - did she not *want* to look up? He had to know for sure, and he tried again.
Andrea turned her head. Her eyes fluttered open, then widened. She sprang up from the bed, racing to the window.
“Nathan!” Her cry was a whisper, her smile tired and worried. Her face was puffy, especially around her eyes. She reached a hand through the window as soon as it was open, and he took it. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m sorry.”
Andrea sniffed and nodded, letting go and moving back that he could climb inside. It wasn’t easy - the angle was awkward, and it was a tight fit for his shoulders. He almost lost one of the buttons off his trench coat, and he was sure he’d have some extra bruises and scrapes on his ribs from squeezing through. It was totally worth it to have her in his arms. She was crying, but she was so beautiful he almost couldn’t think about anything else...
“I’m scared,” she sobbed. They sat down together on her bed, but he didn’t let go.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m scared too. This is all my fault...”
Andrea shook her head, looking up at him. She reached for his face, tracing the bruise on his cheek with her fingertips. “It’s not. Its no ones fault. Or, its our fault...” She sniffed again. “Are you going to leave me, Dark Star?”
“No, never. You’re my little lost angel...” He couldn’t imagine living without her, especially when she was right here, pressed up against him like this. There were important things he’d meant to say, things he’d been planning all day, but they’d completely flown from his head.
“Mom says you’ll go, when it gets harder. That you’ll run away.”
“She’s wrong.” Staring down into her eyes, it took him a minute to process what she’d just said. “You’re keeping it?”
Her eyes welled again, and she sniffed to keep them from falling, clutching him tightly. “I h-have to. She found out. I came home sick and sh-she made me take a test, and she-s-said...said...”
Whatever her mother had said was too upsetting to repeat just then, and she dissolved into sobbing again. If he wasn’t quite so overwhelmed at the moment, Nathan could have imagined pretty easily just what Andrea’s mom might have said. He was dizzy and tired and scared, not ready, not at all ready... And then Andrea was pushing him back on the bed, pushing open his coat, slipping her hands under his shirt, kissing him. This, he would always be ready for.
“I don’t want it to be a mistake,” she said as she helped him strip off his clothes, tears dripping down onto his chest, his face, when he couldn’t kiss them away fast enough. “I want us to mean it, I want it to mean something...”
The curled up together in her bed afterwards, listening to the refrains of Road, River and Rail. Nathan felt dazed, though more pleasantly so than he had the rest of the day, and tired and comfortable and *right*. It was always a little amazing when she wanted to have sex with him, when she let him touch her, and after everything else it had just been pretty overwhelming.
“Did you tell anyone yet?”
“Just Graham.” He paused a beat. “You?”
“I’d been sick, like, a lot, so I went to the nurse. She gave me a test - the first one - but I had to ask her for it. She gave me a note so I could go home and called mom for me, but I wanted to see you first...” Andrea brushed her thumb along his cheek again. “I’m sorry about your face.”
“I’m sorry I was a dick. I just... I didn’t think it could really happen? I guess probably that’s what everyone says.” Even though he hadn’t been thinking about anything else since he’d talked to her, he couldn’t quite grasp at what all it meant - just that everything was going to change, and that life has somehow spiraled out of control. He was trying really hard not to think about everything he might lose, because keeping Andrea was worth it. She was worth any price. If he’d ruined her life and still got to keep her, it was only fair that he’d also ruined his own. “It doesn’t matter. I love you.” His voice was shaky, but he didn’t really have the right to be more upset than her.
“I love you too, Nathan.” She sniffed, burying her face in his shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Of course I am.” Only he couldn’t stay. His parents would be pissed when they got home and he wasn’t there, and they would call here eventually. Or Andrea’s mother would come downstairs to check on her, or they’d be too loud, or something. “I have to tell my parents. If I don’t, your parents will.”
Andrea nodded. “Maybe it was easier, mom finding out, I don’t know. I don’t know how I’d have...done it. Or if I would have...” She sniffed again. “I had these pamphlets, from the nurse, and when she found them she was so mad, and she showed dad, and I was scared, I was so scared...”
Nathan kissed her hair. Her parents were terrifying enough when they were mad about normal things, like staying out too late or having boys over, or dressing is ways they didn’t think was ‘appropriate’. He could imagine.
“I just... I didn’t even have time to think about what I wanted. It didn’t matter at all to them, they just said all these things, about how I can’t run away from this, I’d be killing my baby, and, I don’t know, Nathan...”
“No matter what they say, or what they do - if we’re together, we’ll be okay.” His parents weren’t going to be happy, but he hoped they’d be a little more reasonable, and maybe even helpful. At least they’d never told Andrea that she was ruining him. As far as he knew, they were always nice to her. Though he’d had a few lectures about respecting her parents’ decisions, they hadn’t straight up disagreed with him that a lot of their rules were stupid.
Andrea nodded, and was curling up round him again in a way that he hoped meant they would be able to forget about all of this again for a little while, when the phone rang. They both froze, and Andrea swore. What time was it? Not late enough for his parents to be home, he hoped, but scrambled to try and find his clothes, or at the very least his pants.
A moment later, there was a soft tap on the door. “It’s for you, sweetie. It’s Stacy - do you want to talk to her?”
Stacy was one of Andrea’s friends that they approved of - she wasn’t as ‘weird’ as the others, and they’d been close longer.
“I’ll get it, mom.” She had just pulled on... well, Nathan’s shirt, the one he’d worn today, and smiled at him. “It smells like you,” she said quietly as she slipped across the room to pick up the handset.
Nathan finished getting dressed again while she talked to Stacy, a little less hurriedly. At least he was getting his NIN shirt back - Andrea’d had it for like a month. He sat on the bed, listening to her half of the conversation. She smiled at him, though she still looked worn out.
“Thanks...no, I’m feeling a little better now, I should be there tomorrow...Oh, thanks, yeah, I should get caught up on that, I guess....A little, yeah...I don’t really want to talk about it right now...Okay.”
Andrea paused, looking his way. “Do you want a ride home?”
No, he didn’t, but he just sighed. “I guess...” He flopped back on the bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to the girls plot his escape, suddenly feeling exhausted.
Nathan woke up when Andrea shook his shoulder. She was wearing pjyama pants now, red plaid flannel ones, and she’d put her hair back in a ponytail. “Hey there, Dark Star...” She kissed him, possibly again. “Stace will be here in a little bit - she said she’d meet you down on the corner. I’m gonna go help with dinner, and you can slip out the side door. Dad’s not home yet.”
“Time is it?” He was groggy, as if he’d slept for a while but not long enough. The haze of sleep didn’t keep him from remembering everything though, unfortunately.
“Almost five-thirty. She couldn’t come earlier, and you were sleeping...” She ran a hand through his hair, frowning a little. She at least looked a little better - her eyes weren’t as red and puffy. “You still look tired.”
“I’ll be okay.” He sat up a little - enough that he could turn towards her better. “You?”
“For now.” She smiled, blushing a bit. “Watching you sleep made me feel better, just seeing you here...”
“I wish I could stay.”
“Well, who knows what things will be like, with the baby...” Andrea watched his face searchingly, probably long enough to catch the momentary flash of panic.
Nathan nodded, taking her hand. Everything else still seemed too big to grasp right now. Could they live together? And where? And what would it mean if they couldn’t?
“It’s okay to be scared,” she told him. “Just don’t leave me. Like - *leave* leave, I mean. I know you have to go now.”
“I won’t,” he promised again. Andrea kissed his cheek where she’d slapped him and smiled.
Getting out of the house was something of a process. Andrea went upstairs to distract her mother, leaving her door slightly ajar, and unbolting the side door as she went. In theory this would make it easier for Nathan to slip quietly outdoors and around the other side of the house before hitting the street and going to meet Stacy. His parents were certainly home by now, wondering where he was. He was actually surprised, and a little relieved, that they hadn’t called here looking for him.
They’d performed this operation before successfully, but this time her mother had just stepped out into the hall when he got up to the landing. She was holding a fresh roll of paper towel and brandished it at him, her face darkening as she recovered her surprise.
“Andrea Marie Helman! I want you to go to your room. Right. Now. We will talk about this later.”
Andrea popped her head out of the kitchen, and her face fell. “Mom-”
“Now.”
Nathan wasn’t sure what to do, whether he should make a break for the door, or stand his ground. only her mother hadn’t actually looked away from him, and he felt frozen in place by her glare. Andrea slipped by him, hesitating for a moment, until her mother pursed her lips.
“Sorry,” she whispered, squeezing his hand before slipping back downstairs alone. He could hear her voice breaking, imagined her slumping down on the stairs behind the door to cry and listen.
“You are lucky,” she barked at him, advancing, “that my husband isn’t home, or he would give you the beating you deserve. I expect she told you.”
Nathan nodded, but found that it was anger that was keeping him from speaking.
“You have no idea what this means for her - the future you’ve stolen from her, because you’re so self-absorbed. If you weren’t too selfish to think about anything other than what you want right now, this never would have happened! She could have done so much better in her life - so much better than you. That chance is gone now, because of you. You have no idea what’s coming - you’re not going to want her, want this life. You’re going to break her heart, on top of everything else, and its better if you do it now.”
He was seething, his jaw so tense he wasn’t sure he’d be able to open it to speak, until he did. “If you believe any of that is true,”he spat, “you don’t know anything about me at all.” He turned to the door, grabbing the door and opening it violently.
“And if I ever catch you in this house again without my of my husband’s permission,” she called after him. “I will have you arrested and you will never see Andrea again.”
Somehow, he managed not to slam the door.
Stacy was already waiting for him at the corner, flipping boredly through a book propped up on the steering wheel. She tucked it into the glove compartment as he got in the passenger side, and shot him a concerned look.
“Is everything okay?”
“No.”
“Is Andrea okay?’
He shook his head, then sighed heavily. “Her parents are being dicks again.”
“Did they catch you?”
“That’s not it.” He didn’t want to answer anymore questions, so he slumped in the seat and crossed his arms, staring out the window.
“Okay then...”
The problem with not talking, was that it left him alone with his feelings. Nathan knew he was better than the Helman’s gave him credit for. he wasn’t going to get scared off, and he hadn’t ‘ruined’ their daughter, no matter how many times they said it. Andrea was beautiful and amazing - she just wasn’t who they wanted her to be. That was fine with him. maybe he didn’t know what was coming, not really, but he was sure as hell not going to run away from it.
Nathan gave Stacy a rather perfunctory “Thanks for the ride” as she dropped him off. Both his parents were definitely home, judging by the cars in the driveway. This was going to be hard, and they were going to be upset, and he was still tired and, now that he was thinking about it again, starving.
He felt a little light-headed as he pushed in the door. Rachel, his younger sister, glanced up at him from where she was lying on the couch watching tv, gave him a wide-eyed warning look and scampered off to her room. His parents would in the kitchen, he knew, waiting to give him a chance to explain. He had the same urge he always did to run away and hide in his room, but experience had taught him how much harder things would go for him if he didn’t face them now. And anyway, he’d already decided he needed to tell them now. He certainly didn’t want the Helmans to do it.
Nathan trudged into the kitchen, and sat down. His mother looked at him sternly, but his father’s frown seemed concerned.
He took a deep breath, and found he wasn’t able to meet their eyes for very long.
“Mom, Dad... Andrea’s pregnant.”
"That's not what you were supposed to say," she'd cried, and then she'd gone, and he hadn't seen her since.
His face was still swollen and puffy the next day. It was fair, he supposed – now she was slapping for two. He wanted to find her – he'd tried calling her at home the night before, but her parents wouldn't let him speak to her. That wasn't unusual, but given the circumstances it was worrying. He'd wound up calling his older brother at college out of desperation, but Graham had just said that he needed to talk to mom and dad. But he couldn’t do that, not when he hadn't talked to Andrea yet, not really. And Andrea wasn’t at school.
Nathan made it through first period, more or less, too distracted to pay any attention to the lesson, but he doubted anyone could tell the difference. He hadn't slept much, and he felt shaky and anxious, playing out different scenarios in his head. Would she ever speak to him again? Did she want to keep the baby, or even have it? If her parents knew, would it even matter what she wanted? And what did he want? He wanted to be with Andrea, with his little lost angel, no matter what.
Mrs. Keilor, who taught physics second period, was a little more astute. “Are you with us today, Nathan?”
“Sorry.” Everyone else had taken out their workbooks, and turned to show their homework, which of course he hadn’t done. “I’m not feeling very well.”
She strolled up the aisle, peering at him, and frowned. “You do look a little pale - even for you.”
“Can I go see the nurse?” Maybe if he got sent home, he could go see if she was at home. If her parents weren’t there... He tried to look more worn down than hopeful - it helped that it was out of character for him to ask at all.
“Well... alright. But I want to see a signed note for missing class.”
He mumbled his thanks, grabbing his things and making a quick exit, barely even registering the murmurings of his classmates as Mrs. Keilor tried to bring the room back under control.
Nathan had never actually been to the nurse’s office before, even though he was a senior. He was usually pretty healthy, and any of the kids he’d ever gotten in fights with had been smart enough not to start anything on school grounds - now he wasn’t sure what to expect. There wasn’t anyone in the outer office when he came in, and he stood there for a moment, debating whether or not he should just take off. Detention, or even suspension, seemed entirely inconsequential at this juncture. Before he’d committed to that path, however, a fairly young woman with braided brown hair poked her head in through the other door.
“I thought I heard someone come in.” She smiled. “What’s your name dear?”
“Nathan Court. I don’t feel well, I have a headache and I feel shaky and like I’m going to puke.” It wasn’t even a lie - he just hoped they weren’t going to just try and give him something for it and send him back to class. The thought of being stuck here all day made him feel even worse. “I just want to go home.”
The nurse (he presumed) was looking him over very carefully, and nodded. “What happened to your face, Nathan?”
He put his hand to his cheek. It felt warm, and it was still sore, but that really had nothing to do with how awful it made him feel. “Nothing. Just being stupid.”
She frowned at that, but he wasn’t about to elaborate. Instead she had him take off his coat, and proceeded to poke and prodded him a bit, interspersing this with questions. One of these was “when was the last time you ate?”
He had to think about it for a beat. “Yesterday, at lunch.” He hadn’t had much then, either, just a coke and some crappy fried from the cafeteria.
“Well, that can’t be helping.” She rummaged around in one of the cabinets and offered him a fruit bar. “This will make you feel a little better. But Nathan, I want you to know that anything you tell me in here is strictly confidential. It won’t leave this office.” She waited a beat, and continued when he didn’t respond. “Is everything alright at home?”
“Home is fine.” Everything was not alright, but if he wasn’t going to talk to his parents yet, he was definitely not going to talk to this stranger. “I really just want to go home. Please?”
She gave him a long considering look before turning to her computer. “I can call your parents, but you should really eat something.”
Nathan stared at the bar she’d given him. He knew she was probably right, but he wasn’t at all hungry, and fiddled with the package instead. “Has Andrea Helman been in to see you?”
The nurse looked up, fingers poised to dial. “I can’t give out information about other students health visits.” But there was something in the way she looked at him that gave him all the answer he needed. There were pamphlets behind her on the wall from planned parenthood, but he was too afraid to take one.
Half an hour later, Nathan was sitting in the office, waiting for his dad. He’d tried to convince both the nurse and the vice-principle that he was okay to drive home, and should be allowed to, but they weren’t willing to let him out of sight long enough to slip away. It would have been better to tough out second period and then just slip off, he figured, but it was too late now. By the time his dad did show up it was almost eleven, and then he had to get signed out, and Nathan just wanted to scream. He’s spent the time thinking about Andrea, worrying about her, what she’d be feeling, going through, what she’d think, if she would forgive him. His imagination provided him a smorgasbord of terrifying possibilities for the future.
His father didn’t say much to him at school, just looked him over critically, and asked if he wanted to go to the doctor, or if he needed anything from the drugstore. Nathan did not. His father grudgingly allowed Nathan to drive his own car home, but followed behind to make sure that was his destination – no chance to escape then either. Once they were home, he called Nathan into the kitchen and made him sit and eat a sandwich he put together from the night before’s leftovers.
“The nurse said you haven’t been eating. Just have half of it, at least, but I want you to have something.” He used his quiet, calm tone that meant he was to be frustratingly reasonable, and that no amount of arguing or protest would help.
Nathan was sure he didn’t want food, and the first bite was so much tasteless paste. Once it hit his stomach it became a different matter, and he found he did feel a little better once he’d finished. His dad smiled, though he hadn’t looked away, even while finishing his own lunch. He hadn’t taken off his coat either, which seemed like a good sign that he was planning to go back to work shortly. But maybe just not yet. He leaned forward, his expression turning serious.
“Nathan – is everything okay? You’re not in any kind of trouble are you?”
He didn’t answer. He wasn’t ready.
“Your mother and I are here for you Nathan, whatever it is. We love you, and we’ll help you, if you’ll talk to us.”
“I just want to go lie down, dad.” Part of him did – just wanted to lie down and let the world swallow him up. But mostly he wanted to see Andrea, to tell her that it would be okay, whatever happened. The sooner he could get away, the sooner he could…. Well, maybe he couldn’t make things right now. But he would try.
His father sighed, holding out his hand. “Alright son. But I want you to give me your keys, and your wallet. If you’re not well, you need to stay home and rest.”
Screaming wouldn’t help. Instead he slammed the items down on the table and stormed upstairs. Love him? Maybe. Trust him? Apparently not.
He waited until he heard his father’s car pull out of the driveway, and then a few more minutes for good measure before grabbing his coat, slipping on his good boots, and hitting the road. He would hitchhike if he had to, but Andrea only lived a few miles away…
It was almost 12 when he left home, and it was close to 2:30 when he made it to her house. There was a car in the driveway – her mother’s, he thought. Maybe it was better he hadn’t driven, though by now he was tired and shaky again, wishing he’d had more than just the sandwich. Soon, though, he was sure, it wouldn’t matter. At last, it wouldn’t, if Andrea would still have him. If she wouldn’t, he didn’t know what he would do.
If her mother was home, he couldn’t come to the door – she’d just turn him away. Andrea lived in the basement, though, and there were some small windows, including one that looked down into her bedroom. She’s snuck him in that way before, though it had been a tight squeeze, and it hadn’t been the middle of the day. But he couldn’t give up when was so close. Checking to make sure there were no neighbors around paying attention and that her mother wasn’t hovering by any of the bigger first floor windows, Nathan crept around to the side of the house and lay down flat on the lawn so he could see it. It was the middle of the afternoon and he felt painfully conspicuous.
Andrea was in her room, lying face-down in her bed with all the covers kicked off, wearing just a t-shirt (one of his - that was a good sign, he hoped) and her underwear. Nathan felt vaguely guilty for his mix of feelings just then, but it was really just a drop in the bucket compared to the confused mixture he’d been struggling with since yesterday. Quiet music - the Cocteau Twins’ Heaven or Las Vegas - streamed through the glass.
He tapped gently at first, not sure if she was awake, and still terrified of being caught. If some neighbour called the cops on him, he’d never get to see her again for sure. Andrea didn’t move, and he tapped a little louder, begging her silently to at least look up. She twitched at least, burying her face in her pillow. Nathan’s heart sank a little - did she not *want* to look up? He had to know for sure, and he tried again.
Andrea turned her head. Her eyes fluttered open, then widened. She sprang up from the bed, racing to the window.
“Nathan!” Her cry was a whisper, her smile tired and worried. Her face was puffy, especially around her eyes. She reached a hand through the window as soon as it was open, and he took it. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m sorry.”
Andrea sniffed and nodded, letting go and moving back that he could climb inside. It wasn’t easy - the angle was awkward, and it was a tight fit for his shoulders. He almost lost one of the buttons off his trench coat, and he was sure he’d have some extra bruises and scrapes on his ribs from squeezing through. It was totally worth it to have her in his arms. She was crying, but she was so beautiful he almost couldn’t think about anything else...
“I’m scared,” she sobbed. They sat down together on her bed, but he didn’t let go.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m scared too. This is all my fault...”
Andrea shook her head, looking up at him. She reached for his face, tracing the bruise on his cheek with her fingertips. “It’s not. Its no ones fault. Or, its our fault...” She sniffed again. “Are you going to leave me, Dark Star?”
“No, never. You’re my little lost angel...” He couldn’t imagine living without her, especially when she was right here, pressed up against him like this. There were important things he’d meant to say, things he’d been planning all day, but they’d completely flown from his head.
“Mom says you’ll go, when it gets harder. That you’ll run away.”
“She’s wrong.” Staring down into her eyes, it took him a minute to process what she’d just said. “You’re keeping it?”
Her eyes welled again, and she sniffed to keep them from falling, clutching him tightly. “I h-have to. She found out. I came home sick and sh-she made me take a test, and she-s-said...said...”
Whatever her mother had said was too upsetting to repeat just then, and she dissolved into sobbing again. If he wasn’t quite so overwhelmed at the moment, Nathan could have imagined pretty easily just what Andrea’s mom might have said. He was dizzy and tired and scared, not ready, not at all ready... And then Andrea was pushing him back on the bed, pushing open his coat, slipping her hands under his shirt, kissing him. This, he would always be ready for.
“I don’t want it to be a mistake,” she said as she helped him strip off his clothes, tears dripping down onto his chest, his face, when he couldn’t kiss them away fast enough. “I want us to mean it, I want it to mean something...”
The curled up together in her bed afterwards, listening to the refrains of Road, River and Rail. Nathan felt dazed, though more pleasantly so than he had the rest of the day, and tired and comfortable and *right*. It was always a little amazing when she wanted to have sex with him, when she let him touch her, and after everything else it had just been pretty overwhelming.
“Did you tell anyone yet?”
“Just Graham.” He paused a beat. “You?”
“I’d been sick, like, a lot, so I went to the nurse. She gave me a test - the first one - but I had to ask her for it. She gave me a note so I could go home and called mom for me, but I wanted to see you first...” Andrea brushed her thumb along his cheek again. “I’m sorry about your face.”
“I’m sorry I was a dick. I just... I didn’t think it could really happen? I guess probably that’s what everyone says.” Even though he hadn’t been thinking about anything else since he’d talked to her, he couldn’t quite grasp at what all it meant - just that everything was going to change, and that life has somehow spiraled out of control. He was trying really hard not to think about everything he might lose, because keeping Andrea was worth it. She was worth any price. If he’d ruined her life and still got to keep her, it was only fair that he’d also ruined his own. “It doesn’t matter. I love you.” His voice was shaky, but he didn’t really have the right to be more upset than her.
“I love you too, Nathan.” She sniffed, burying her face in his shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Of course I am.” Only he couldn’t stay. His parents would be pissed when they got home and he wasn’t there, and they would call here eventually. Or Andrea’s mother would come downstairs to check on her, or they’d be too loud, or something. “I have to tell my parents. If I don’t, your parents will.”
Andrea nodded. “Maybe it was easier, mom finding out, I don’t know. I don’t know how I’d have...done it. Or if I would have...” She sniffed again. “I had these pamphlets, from the nurse, and when she found them she was so mad, and she showed dad, and I was scared, I was so scared...”
Nathan kissed her hair. Her parents were terrifying enough when they were mad about normal things, like staying out too late or having boys over, or dressing is ways they didn’t think was ‘appropriate’. He could imagine.
“I just... I didn’t even have time to think about what I wanted. It didn’t matter at all to them, they just said all these things, about how I can’t run away from this, I’d be killing my baby, and, I don’t know, Nathan...”
“No matter what they say, or what they do - if we’re together, we’ll be okay.” His parents weren’t going to be happy, but he hoped they’d be a little more reasonable, and maybe even helpful. At least they’d never told Andrea that she was ruining him. As far as he knew, they were always nice to her. Though he’d had a few lectures about respecting her parents’ decisions, they hadn’t straight up disagreed with him that a lot of their rules were stupid.
Andrea nodded, and was curling up round him again in a way that he hoped meant they would be able to forget about all of this again for a little while, when the phone rang. They both froze, and Andrea swore. What time was it? Not late enough for his parents to be home, he hoped, but scrambled to try and find his clothes, or at the very least his pants.
A moment later, there was a soft tap on the door. “It’s for you, sweetie. It’s Stacy - do you want to talk to her?”
Stacy was one of Andrea’s friends that they approved of - she wasn’t as ‘weird’ as the others, and they’d been close longer.
“I’ll get it, mom.” She had just pulled on... well, Nathan’s shirt, the one he’d worn today, and smiled at him. “It smells like you,” she said quietly as she slipped across the room to pick up the handset.
Nathan finished getting dressed again while she talked to Stacy, a little less hurriedly. At least he was getting his NIN shirt back - Andrea’d had it for like a month. He sat on the bed, listening to her half of the conversation. She smiled at him, though she still looked worn out.
“Thanks...no, I’m feeling a little better now, I should be there tomorrow...Oh, thanks, yeah, I should get caught up on that, I guess....A little, yeah...I don’t really want to talk about it right now...Okay.”
Andrea paused, looking his way. “Do you want a ride home?”
No, he didn’t, but he just sighed. “I guess...” He flopped back on the bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to the girls plot his escape, suddenly feeling exhausted.
Nathan woke up when Andrea shook his shoulder. She was wearing pjyama pants now, red plaid flannel ones, and she’d put her hair back in a ponytail. “Hey there, Dark Star...” She kissed him, possibly again. “Stace will be here in a little bit - she said she’d meet you down on the corner. I’m gonna go help with dinner, and you can slip out the side door. Dad’s not home yet.”
“Time is it?” He was groggy, as if he’d slept for a while but not long enough. The haze of sleep didn’t keep him from remembering everything though, unfortunately.
“Almost five-thirty. She couldn’t come earlier, and you were sleeping...” She ran a hand through his hair, frowning a little. She at least looked a little better - her eyes weren’t as red and puffy. “You still look tired.”
“I’ll be okay.” He sat up a little - enough that he could turn towards her better. “You?”
“For now.” She smiled, blushing a bit. “Watching you sleep made me feel better, just seeing you here...”
“I wish I could stay.”
“Well, who knows what things will be like, with the baby...” Andrea watched his face searchingly, probably long enough to catch the momentary flash of panic.
Nathan nodded, taking her hand. Everything else still seemed too big to grasp right now. Could they live together? And where? And what would it mean if they couldn’t?
“It’s okay to be scared,” she told him. “Just don’t leave me. Like - *leave* leave, I mean. I know you have to go now.”
“I won’t,” he promised again. Andrea kissed his cheek where she’d slapped him and smiled.
Getting out of the house was something of a process. Andrea went upstairs to distract her mother, leaving her door slightly ajar, and unbolting the side door as she went. In theory this would make it easier for Nathan to slip quietly outdoors and around the other side of the house before hitting the street and going to meet Stacy. His parents were certainly home by now, wondering where he was. He was actually surprised, and a little relieved, that they hadn’t called here looking for him.
They’d performed this operation before successfully, but this time her mother had just stepped out into the hall when he got up to the landing. She was holding a fresh roll of paper towel and brandished it at him, her face darkening as she recovered her surprise.
“Andrea Marie Helman! I want you to go to your room. Right. Now. We will talk about this later.”
Andrea popped her head out of the kitchen, and her face fell. “Mom-”
“Now.”
Nathan wasn’t sure what to do, whether he should make a break for the door, or stand his ground. only her mother hadn’t actually looked away from him, and he felt frozen in place by her glare. Andrea slipped by him, hesitating for a moment, until her mother pursed her lips.
“Sorry,” she whispered, squeezing his hand before slipping back downstairs alone. He could hear her voice breaking, imagined her slumping down on the stairs behind the door to cry and listen.
“You are lucky,” she barked at him, advancing, “that my husband isn’t home, or he would give you the beating you deserve. I expect she told you.”
Nathan nodded, but found that it was anger that was keeping him from speaking.
“You have no idea what this means for her - the future you’ve stolen from her, because you’re so self-absorbed. If you weren’t too selfish to think about anything other than what you want right now, this never would have happened! She could have done so much better in her life - so much better than you. That chance is gone now, because of you. You have no idea what’s coming - you’re not going to want her, want this life. You’re going to break her heart, on top of everything else, and its better if you do it now.”
He was seething, his jaw so tense he wasn’t sure he’d be able to open it to speak, until he did. “If you believe any of that is true,”he spat, “you don’t know anything about me at all.” He turned to the door, grabbing the door and opening it violently.
“And if I ever catch you in this house again without my of my husband’s permission,” she called after him. “I will have you arrested and you will never see Andrea again.”
Somehow, he managed not to slam the door.
Stacy was already waiting for him at the corner, flipping boredly through a book propped up on the steering wheel. She tucked it into the glove compartment as he got in the passenger side, and shot him a concerned look.
“Is everything okay?”
“No.”
“Is Andrea okay?’
He shook his head, then sighed heavily. “Her parents are being dicks again.”
“Did they catch you?”
“That’s not it.” He didn’t want to answer anymore questions, so he slumped in the seat and crossed his arms, staring out the window.
“Okay then...”
The problem with not talking, was that it left him alone with his feelings. Nathan knew he was better than the Helman’s gave him credit for. he wasn’t going to get scared off, and he hadn’t ‘ruined’ their daughter, no matter how many times they said it. Andrea was beautiful and amazing - she just wasn’t who they wanted her to be. That was fine with him. maybe he didn’t know what was coming, not really, but he was sure as hell not going to run away from it.
Nathan gave Stacy a rather perfunctory “Thanks for the ride” as she dropped him off. Both his parents were definitely home, judging by the cars in the driveway. This was going to be hard, and they were going to be upset, and he was still tired and, now that he was thinking about it again, starving.
He felt a little light-headed as he pushed in the door. Rachel, his younger sister, glanced up at him from where she was lying on the couch watching tv, gave him a wide-eyed warning look and scampered off to her room. His parents would in the kitchen, he knew, waiting to give him a chance to explain. He had the same urge he always did to run away and hide in his room, but experience had taught him how much harder things would go for him if he didn’t face them now. And anyway, he’d already decided he needed to tell them now. He certainly didn’t want the Helmans to do it.
Nathan trudged into the kitchen, and sat down. His mother looked at him sternly, but his father’s frown seemed concerned.
He took a deep breath, and found he wasn’t able to meet their eyes for very long.
“Mom, Dad... Andrea’s pregnant.”
