Change of plans

Aleyn was a strange mixture of happy and wistful and excited and anxious as he started the familiar process of packing his things for what was likely to be a lengthy trip. Last night had been amazing, but it made it all the harder to think about leaving Vedran for who knew how long, with so many things he would have to take care of on his own... He'd watched Vedran work himself ragged, barely sleeping over two days except when Aleyn made him lie down for brief rests, and he knew with him and the rest of the team gone, it would likely be much the same. Vedran tended to distract himself from his problems and worries with work, and he would certainly need the distraction this time, with everything that was going on... Still, it would likely be a few days more until they were ready to leave, and Aleyn planned to spend as much of that with Vedran as he could.

Vedran felt a little numb and lightheaded on the trip down to Undertow, replaying the conversation with his father over again and again in his head. The panic was there, though, lurking just under the surface of his skin. He should have seen this coming - he'd set himself up for it, really, but he'd been so high on endorphins after yesterday, and after last night.

He'd given the driver his address out of habit, but he knew he couldn't go home, and called the driver to stop and let him out when he was closer to Aleyn's place. The walk up the stairs to Aleyn's attic room passed mechanically, but it took him a moment to knock, remembering waiting desperately outside of another door, his thoughts confused.

When Aleyn answered, it took him a moment to process what he was seeing. Some deeper instinct pushed him forward, though, and he stepped up to wrap the other man in his arms, clinging to an ephemeral feeling of safety.

Aleyn knew right away from the look on Vedran's face, from his odd silence, that something had to be wrong. Keeping his arms close around him, he drew him into the room and nudged the door shut with his foot. "Tell me," he said quietly, dreading whatever bad news was to come.

Being with Aleyn made him feel better... But that made e verything more complicated, and he was leaving for Moro, and who knew what would happen before the Thunderbolts got back. He tightened his grip, wrenching his fingers in the cloth of Aleyn's shirt. When he finally got back control of his voice, the first words he managed were "I'm sorry..."

"Sorry for what? What happened?" Aleyn drew back enough to look Vedran in the face, still not letting go of him.

After another moment, he took a deep breath. He wasn't feeling calm really, but a little more in control, at least.

"Can we sit? I think we need to sit."

"Sure, of course," Aleyn said, looking around at his tiny apartment. There were two chairs, one the wooden chair at his table, and a more comfortable armchair in the corner by the bookshelf. "I can drag the chairs together, or we can sit on the bed."

"Bed." He didn't want to let go, and let Aleyn steer him over to the bed and shove aside some clothes and a book he must've been thinking of packing so they could sit down together. Once they were seated, he transferred his desperate grip to Aleyn's hands.

"I talked to my father," he began after a moment, feeling the same icy chill in his spine that he had during that conversation, "Like I said..."

Aleyn nodded, listening with trepidation, holding tight to Vedran's hands. "What did he say?"

"He... he said I was right, and that this changes what he said before..." He shook his head. "But it's not more time...." The rest of the words got caught in his throat: so much could change in the next month. "Because, everything we need, to make this work..."

Aleyn tried to piece together from Vedran's jumbled half-answer what his father might have said. "...Sooner?" he whispered, hoping desperately that maybe he'd guessed wrong.

He nodded, leaning in to Aleyn's arms again. "Maybe... maybe even before we go. I'm sorry..." he was sorry - he didn't want to hurt Aleyn, didn't want to lose him, and beneath all that was the terror that everything would go wrong, that he would fuck up everything, that he wasn't ready, not now, and certainly not alone...

Aleyn was taken aback by how shaken and angry he felt - angry at Vedran's father for using his son like a pawn, no matter what he wanted or what would be best for him. For some reason what came back to him was Vedran saying that your children had to come first, that that's what being a parent meant. It sounded like a cruel joke now. Just when things had seemed to be turning around for Vedran and they had started making a few plans of their own for the future, everything was going to be turned upside-down for the sake of some stupid political alliance...

"You... you don't have be sorry..." he managed to say when he'd regained a little composure. "I just... I don't understand...why..."

He sniffed. "Because this is bigger...than my stupid problems."

"Oh," Aleyn said, "I see. Your father's plans are more important than your happiness or ... or mine, or us, what we have together... because I'm not useful, I'm nobody important, I can't give you what he wants, and it doesn't matter what you want..." He clenched his fists around Vedran's hands more tightly, trying to keep from venting his anger at him. "I... I'm sorry... I...I know it's not your fault..."

He shook his head, which was rapidly filling with crazy ideas. "I could go talk to him. Maybe if I explained... no, it wouldn't make any difference... Or... or we could go right now, we could go to the temple and get married...." He cut off, stunned into silence by the strength of his own emotions, shaking.

He pulled away, not quite flinching at the mention if the temple, trying and failing to sort though all the confusing mixed messages his brain was sending. His throat was tight, he felt cold and hot at the same time, his eyes watery. "You don't understand," he gasped.

"All I understand is I love you," Aleyn said quietly, looking down at his now-empty hands.

Vedran shook his head, overwhelmed. The words were supposed to make him feel better, but they hurt. Everything was going wrong - he was already doing everything wrong.

He backed up on the bed, hitting his head on the angled wall, and the sudden jolt forced out a sob he'd been trying to keep back. He swallowed another, looking up at Aleyn instead and failing to hold back anything at all. Nothing made any sense - it was easier just to hide his face and hope that it would pass...

It wasn't fair, Aleyn thought miserably. Why did he always have to be the strong one? Why couldn't Vedran stand up to his father, or help him think things through reasonably? Could Vedran even just comfort him for once? Maybe there was nothing either of them could do and all of this was hopeless. "I'm sorry," he said, and stood to go look out the window.

He couldn't see Aleyn get up, but the bed shifted, and he heard him take a few steps away. He heard the words, but couldn't make sense of them, his thoughts were too muddled and confused. Sorry for what? He felt scared and alone, and all that lay before him was more of the same. Time seemed to stretch as he tried to muster the strength to fight it, and to find something else to hang on to.

Aleyn looked out through the grimy glass at the blur of the street below. All he wanted to believe was that he wasn't the only one willing to fight, to make sacrifices in order to try and keep what they had worked so hard for already. For Vedran to say he loved him too and that it would be all right, somehow, that they would make it work together. Lady, he prayed silently, surely there's a limit to what I have to bear on my own. If this is what you want for us, if this is part of your plan, help me to be strong enough to endure it. Just give me some kind of sign that I'm doing the right thing, please?

Fighting through his thoughts, banishing the ones that were most irrational, was hard. He was scared, and that was real, but it was important, and that was also real. But it wasn't the only thing that was important, either. "Aleyn?" The mournful look on his lover's face was hard to handle, but if he was going to have to find it in himself to go through with all of this, then he owed some of that strength to Aleyn - especially if they were only going to have a few days together to deal with this sudden change. "Please come back?"

Turning away from the window, he looked back to Vedran, who had uncurled a little and was blinking at him tearily from the bed. He wanted to go to him, hold him close, but it was like he couldn't take that first step. "I can't. I need to know that you ... that I'm not alone in this... or I can't..."

"Alone? I don't understand..." He sat up though, reaching out across the room. "You're not alone. Please..."

"I need to know if you love me," Aleyn whispered, but he went to Vedran anyway, somehow mustering the courage to walk the few short steps across the small room and take his hand, squeezing it tight. "I need to have something to hold on to, to tell me this is all worth it, that it'll be okay..."