Change of plans

"No - nothing... none of that has changed. Why would that change?" They weren't the right words, and he knew it as he said them, but he wasn't ready for more, and he wasn't willing to risk doing that all wrong, too.

Aleyn's face fell, and he sat down on the bed, shoulders slumped. "No... I guess nothing's changed."

"I don't understand." It was getting harder to talk again - it felt like something vital was slipping away, leaving him cold. "Aren't we going to be okay?"

He took a deep breath, trying to find the strength he needed somewhere within himself, if it wasn't going to come from anywhere else. "I want us to, Vedran. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I just need to know - to hear from you - that you want the same thing. That you want me."

"I do." But his heart was pounding and he felt sick - what had he done wrong? Wasn't he trying hard enough? What if he couldn't do this either?

Aleyn closed his eyes, trying to read the full meaning he wanted to hear into Vedran's short answer. "All right," he said quietly. "Hug?"

Vedran nodded desperately and in an instant they were in each others' arms, holding on as if for dear life. "I can't leave things like this," Aleyn murmured against Vedran's neck. "I can't leave you like this. What if I'm gone and ... and I come back and everything's changed?"

Being in Aleyn's arms eased some of the tightness, but he was still afraid, and confused as to what had just happened between them. The thought of the coming changes was still terrifying, but he had one certainty to cling to despite, maybe even because of, his fear. "I would never ever give you up."

Aleyn felt something in his chest relax a little at that, and he nodded, relieved. "Thank you..." He kissed Vedran's neck before bringing his head up so he could look his lover in the eye. "We'll be okay," he repeated to reassure himself as much as Vedran. "I'll stay with you, always, as long as you want me... We'll find our way through this together." He paused, considering what he had just said. "I can't leave with them," he said slowly. "Not now, not without you."

He felt a little better once Aleyn relaxed, and even more so once he said he would stay. He wasn't sure it made sense, but knowing he wouldn't have to do this alone made the prospect seem more manageable. "Okay," he assented, pulling Aleyn back to him. "Good. Thank you."

They held and soothed each other for a while longer, murmuring quiet consolation to one another for long enough that Aleyn felt a little calmer and perhaps a little more reasonable as well. Eventually he drew back, not letting go of Vedran but sitting up a little. "I think I have a bottle of wine around here somewhere," he suggested. "I know it's not even noon yet, but..." He gave a short, unhappy laugh, "under the circumstances, it probably doesn't matter."

"No... Wine would be great." He didn't feel like getting drunk, maybe, but a glass would help settle his nerves more - they clearly still had some things to work out, if he could stay calm enough to manage it. Reluctantly, he let Aleyn go so that he could get up.

Aleyn retrieved a questionable bottle of wine from the small shelf underneath the table where he kept odds and ends (mostly of an edible nature). He opened it, considered the dubious prospect of hunting for two clean cups they could use, and then just returned to the bed with the bottle, offering it to Vedran first. "Sorry, it's probably not up to your usual standards," he said with a little shrug, "but you did tell me once you'd gladly drink cheap wine with me, so I hope it's okay."

Well, maybe not a glass then - one didn't usually stoop to drinking from the bottle unless one was planning to finish it in one go. He smiled a little, wiping off the bottle mouth before taking a long drink. The wine was about as sour as he expected, and he couldn't help making a face after he swallowed. "It'll do," he agreed, passing the bottle to Aleyn.

Aleyn took a swig as well, wrinkling his nose. "Okay, that's pretty bad," he agreed, "but it's all I have - I wasn't expecting to need any food here for a while. I guess that's not true anymore, though." He hesitated. "We need to let the others know... but I don't think I can go back out there quite yet. I guess we probably need to talk some more, huh?"

"Yeah..." Vedran sighed, shifting to try and find a comfortable way to sit on the small bed, with the angled wall behind it, and still be close to Aleyn. "I just don't know where to start, or how to do this without both of us getting too upset again... I guess, just, upfront - I don't want this to change what we want, and what we've planned, not any more than this operation is going to change things for everyone. I don't think it has to. I just... need you to understand better?"

"I'll try," Aleyn said. "But you have to explain things better to me, then, using real words and stuff, so that I don't have to guess what you're trying to tell me. For a little bit there I thought you were saying it was over... when you said this was more important than our stupid problems, and you p-pulled away, and ... I thought you were saying it was more important than me, than what we have."

He shook his head, trying to keep from getting caught up in those fears again. "I know it's hard to be clear when you're upset... well, it's the same for me too - harder to understand, and harder to explain myself. And I was scared of losing you, Vedran, I thought that's what was happening. I'm sorry I got frightened, and that I didn't understand. I just needed to be able to... to lean on you, and it felt like I couldn't for a moment there."

Vedran shook his head. Parts of the conversation were a blur for him, even though it hadn't been that long. "I'm sorry I upset you, scared you. I know I don't always make much sense when I'm upset - I don't know what I can do about that. Everything gets all mixed up, and my thoughts make so little sense that even if I could get them out, I don't think it would help. I didn't know I'd made you think that - I could feel that I'd done something wrong, and I didn't understand what you were asking me for, or I thought that you didn't feel I'd been trying hard enough, or giving you enough, or maybe you'd thought that the whole time, and that it wasn't enough for you, and.... anyway." He sighed again, trying not to focus on the negative. It was important to understand where the communication had gone wrong but, it was still a little fresh. "I'm sorry." He picked up the bottle and took another drink of the wine.

"Nothing is over, and I'm not going to leave you. I'm glad you want to stay, because I don't think I could do this alone."

Aleyn managed a little smile at that. "Okay." He took the bottle when Vedran passed it to him and took another drink, making a face and setting it aside on his dresser. "Don't feel like we have to finish that just because it's open, or to be polite or whatever," he said as an aside. "I know it's awful. It's been sitting on the shelf for ages because I never wanted to drink it." He sighed, leaning half on Vedran, half against the head of the bed. "I can't do it alone either. So I'm glad I have you. I just needed a reminder that I still did."

"Okay." He squeezed Aleyn's hand as he settled himself, and set the bottle aside. "I just... I need to make sure you understand what's happening, what this all is and why its important to *me*, because I don't know - maybe we haven't talked about it, or talked about it enough, but I'm scared it will upset you again."

"I'll try not to over-react, or do anything that scares you... but I can't promise not to be upset without knowing what you're going to say," Aleyn said. "I feel sometimes like I have to always be the one who is calm and rational, and I try to be that for you, but it's not always easy when it hurts or I get scared, when it feels like I'm falling apart inside. Just... I don't know... if I seem like I'm getting too upset, try to remind me that you're here for me? And it never hurts to tell me how amazing I am," he added with a hopeful smile, squeezing Vedran's hand.

"You are amazing." He flashed a smile before continuing. "I'm sorry - I know it's hard on you, when I'm... being crazy. I know it isn't fair, and I'm not asking you not to be upset. I just don't want whatever just happened to happen again. I care about you so much, and I want to be with you but..." he squeezed Aleyn's hand again. "I don't think we see this fight - this struggled to be together, whatever you want to call it, the same way, at all."

"I'm listening," said Aleyn. "So... tell me how you see it, and then maybe I can tell you what it means to me?"

He nodded, taking a moment to figure out how to say what he wanted. "Its hard for me to talk about....the marriage thing. Because things went so bad..." eh shook his head. Getting in to that would not help him express himself clearly. "It scares me, and it isn't something I can really be rational about right now. But I don't think my father is wrong. He's not asking me to do this because he...I don't know, sees me as some kind of pawn in his grand design. This isn't just me... letting him use me, or him making arbitrary decisions about my life."

He paused again. "It's... I believe in the things he wants, for our family, for Highmark, Nerath... I do. It is important to me, and I trust him. When he told me this morning that ....things might need to go faster than we'd thought.. It's because... to pull off what we want to do - and I mean us, The Thunderbolts - with Nachtur, and to get the support we'll need *afterward* to keep things from going all to the abyss... This is how we do it. That's how it works, to make alliances you know are going to be strong enough. Does that...make any sense?"

"It's a little hard to understand. Why can't nobles just agree to do things because they think it's a good idea, or ... I don't know, because it will make them money, like normal people? If my parents wanted to make a deal with a supplier or a client they didn't have to marry any of us off to make it work," Aleyn said with a puzzled shrug. "Well... Tomas did marry Lystra, but that was because they loved each other, not because our parents made a deal with his to give him a share in the business in exchange for adorable grandchildren."

Vedran smiled a little at that. "Most of them don't need more money, and they can barely agree on what they think are good ideas. Really it's a consequence of wealth being tied up with land, which is tied up with titles, which are tied to families, which are tied to dragonmarks... He shrugged. "Its a different kind of power, I guess.... Or were you being rhetorical?"