Time to get my head shrunk (4/24)

She walked out to her car and let Nils into the passenger side door, then pulled out of the apartment complex and headed down the road towards Texas avenue. When she got there she turned left. They drove for about five minutes in silence, past HEB and Krogers, towards the Police Station. When they came in sight of the College Station Cemetary she flicked the child locks on the door of her car and turned in between the giant metal gates.

Nils balked when he saw where they were going. "Oh, no, we can't. I can't... Please, lets turn around and go home, I swear I'll do everything I can to be cooperative, just please don't."
It might have been funny to see him begging so fervently if it wasn't so sad.

Esperanza's face was as cold as stone as she drove, although inside she was dying a little. Tears welled up in the corner of her eyes seeing Nils panicking like a caged animal, but she kept her eyes forward as the car wound down the right hand path of the cemetary road.

She didn't want to do this. She knew that this was the last place on earth that Nils wanted to be. To tell the truth, she didn't want to be here herself. They had failed her. All of them. And this was where the reminder of that failure stood on a plot of empty ground.

"This isn't a punishment, Nils." she said softly, "It's the only way to make you see certain things."

Nils by this point was gibbering unintelligably and crying. "Please, please no."

Ronnie took a deep breath as the car pulled up against the right hand curb. This was it. Fourth grave from the road.

She turned off the engine and turned to Nils.

"Look at me, Nils. Try to breath." she said.

Nils nodded and swallowed hard, turning to look at Esperanza. "I.. I'm looking at you. But we... I can't be here."
He had started frantically trying to polish away a smudge on the metal grip for the cane, and was perhaps starting to hyperventilate.

"You can..." she said, reaching over to take Nils' hand, "...and you are. It's just a place Nils. It's just a name. Breathe. Focus on breathing."

"It's not just a place, and it's not just a name, and please get me out of here!"
Meeting her eyes, he sees a will of iron, and so Nils nods and closes his eyes, focusing entirely on breathing slow and steady, in and out. He clings hard to her hand at first, but he slowly relaxes as his breathing steadies. Tears continue to fall, but he doesn't seem to notice.

"Good...", Ronnie said steadily as Nils clenched her hand. His nails dug into her skin, but she tried not to notice, keeping her attention focused on his face and her voice calm and reassuring.

"Good... remember the breathing excercises we did. Breathe in... out... good."

As he began to relax a bit, Ronnie sat back in her seat, never looking away.

"You're still here, Nils. You have been for a long time. Ever since she died. Do you want to leave?"

Nils' throat felt far too thick to reply, so after a couple failed attempts to reply, he nodded slowly. Upon doing so, he lost track of his breathing and spent a frantic minute or two trying to get it back under control.
"Sorry." he murmurs as soon as he can. "I'm kind of a wuss."

"It's ok." Ronnie said reassuringly, her thumb stroking the back of his hand lightly, "You're doing fine. Breathe."

After another minute or two Esperanza saw his breathing slowing just a trace. He seemed as though he was starting to get some semblance of control.

"You're going to have to say goodbye, Nils. You have to let go." she said eventually.

Nils swallowed. "N-no. No, I can't. I failed her, and this.. this is my punishment. That's why... that's why I saw... And I have to fix it, that's what I'm supposed to do, but I can't, because I'm... too much of a damn... coward to do so.." He had to take a moment to take control of his breathing, as he'd started gasping way too hard to be able to speak properly. "I DESERVE this."

Ronnie tightened her grip on his hand and moved closer to him.

"No, Nils, no... this wasn't your fault! You didn't do this and you certainly don't deserve what you're doing to yourself because of it! Look at me!"

She reached over and put her other hand on his shoulder hoping to keep him calm enough to understand her.

"You didn't do this."

Nils shook his head wildly, fighting the evergrowing impulse to cut and run. "I... I should have known, I should have done something, I should be further along on bringing her back, I should at least be able to give her the respect she deserves, instead of being fucking terrified."

"Then do it!" Ronnie said in a firm voice, perhaps a tiny bit more harshly than she meant to, "Pay your respects! Go out there and talk to her! Say your goodbyes! For god's sake, at least say her name! This isn't ever going to stop until you learn to let go!"

Nils finally nods, takes a couple deep breaths, opens the car door, and bolts.

Ronnie threw open her own car door and got out as Nils sprinted away from the car.

"Nils!" she cried out, "Stop!"

She took a few steps after him, but realized quickly that it was hopeless. She couldn't force him to do anything. She watched him running back towards the entrance and sighed.

"Fuck." she said and shoved her hands into her coat pockets. She stood for a minute watching until Nils ran out the gate and out of her view, then she turned and walked around the car, stopping in front of Chys' empty grave. She looked down at it and wiped a few stray bits of dirt off the headstone.

"I'm sorry, Chica." she said quietly, "Things were a lot easier when you were here. For all of us."

She sat down and leaned against the headstone, looking up into the bright blue Texas sky.

"I don't know... where you are right now. But I've seen too much lately to think that you're just gone anymore. I don't know what I think anymore."

She sighed again.

"...but if you are still there... and if you can hear me... We could all really use some help right now."

~Fin.~